I thought about a burning fire.

this morning im feeling a bit low. there was something that happened last night, something i did, that i now very much so regret. it hurt my wife's feelings, and i see now how i was wrong. so that weighs on me. there was a bit of things that were based in confusion, but if im completely honest, i was using that confusion to forward my own wishes, while the grey existed. i honestly should have known better. i honestly should have not been selfish. and because of this, there may yet be hurt feelings that will carry on into today, which would be completely understandable.

ive been on a path lately.

everyone is, and everyone is on multiple.

you may wonder why i confess to the world, to the great and mighty internetz, that I, William Ehrendreich, was selfish and stupid towards my wife. why, knowing that there are people who might just read these words, would I choose to showcase my weakness, my darkness, my need to change my heart and my ways?

because its humiliating.

no, im not some self deprecating depressive with a low self esteem.

Quite the opposite in fact. I'm rather too impressed with myself all too often.

no im not even trying to get you (my unfortunate but appreciated reader) to think to yourself  "wow, what a humble, brave guy."

thats what my narcissistic tendencies would really love you to think, so please, don't feed that part of me, even if you somehow think that.

You see, like Adam, I am actually kind of a coward. Eve may have taken the first bite,  but she was deceived. Adams silence and foolish cowardice and fear have not been lost throughout the time it took for his sons and daughters to eventually bear the man who writes to you.

so here I sit. a perfect example of a sinner who knows better, and does exactly what he knows will bring more death instead of life.

like the great Dustin Kensrue wrote in the song "blanket of ghosts": 'I've got a feeling that's hard to explain, feels like the Devil rents a room in my brain, the things I'm ashamed of, feel like dear ol St. Paul, things that I want to do I don't do at all."

im no different. I'm still full of the same foolishness that has been plaguing mankind since the beginning.

I'm still a man in need of a savior.

I've been on a path lately. That path, is one i fear to tread. I fear it like you wouldn't believe, because it surely means the death of me. It's the path that leads into being a better man, a better husband, a better father, and a better son. It's the path that burns the ego. It's the path that carries my soul to the place that so many very understandably avoid. But I would be even more wrong not to go there. It's the path that leads me into the view of the Mirror of Holiness. The All Consuming Fire. The Warrior and Righteous Judge. The Savior: Jesus Christ.

He terrifies me. He terrifies me because he looks at the horrid, stupid, simple, selfish, awful dark corners of the heart, the places i don't want to admit exist. but they do. and he sees. he's always known. he knows the evil i keep like hidden treasure. His will, smouldering and seething, burning and bright, is the radically passionate conqueror of the deadly ways in me.

Blindside, one of my favorite bands said it this way:

"It hurts, that drops of fire would fall so precise,
that everything else would lose its meaning,
what a beautiful, what a painful surprise.

there is no peace inside if there's nothing within.
it hurts like coming home, once dried up,
i guess this is what you get when a heart expands.

I thought about fire in the sky,
I thought about fire.
I thought about the love burning in your eye
I thought about fire."

There is the real point.

I thought about fire.

I thought about a loving fire.

My wish, is that I am no longer on the throne of my heart.

As far as my salvation is concerned, that has been sealed for many years, but sanctification is a life long process. I've faced myself before. many times. and with each one it never goes painless. But, by the Grace of a God more loving than i am unloving, more patient than I am impatient, more glorious than I am horrifying, I will face myself again, and again, and again, until the day I go home to be with Him.

To see that face with eyes that burn with that hideous strength.

To see the love that terrifies and brings unfathomable sorrow.

To see the wounds that remain as scars that I have given him.

To see the tears and blood that have dropped to stain my soul clean.

To see with my own eyes the definition of life and perfection in the Universe.

I hope he is Proud of me.

so, forget me, or if you remember me, do so in prayer.

but remember Him. Know that He is a God that accepts you just as you are, but loves you too much to let you stay that way.