Who are you?

It is useless to decide WHAT you are going to do, before you decide WHO you are going to be. Because no matter what happens, or who you try to surround yourself with, ultimately, it is Who you are that determines whether or not your gifts and talents and potential and friends and lovers become aspects of your life that bring more life or bring more death. So who are you? Who are you now? Who do you want to become? I urge you strongly to think about something that will change your existence fundamentally forever: at the end of your (hopefully) many years, when all the time that God has given you to walk around in your meat suit has run out, what are the things that you want the people who actually knew you to say about you? Will they say, wow, what a great athlete he was when he was younger? Or wow, did you know that he had a really nice computer? Or, she could tell you all of the boyfriends that Carrie had on Sex and the City? Or, holy cow, doesn't it make you jealous that her hair looked so good when she was 40? Or, Gee, what great amounts of money and time they had, but didn't give it?

Or... perhaps... do you want them to say something like this: "here lies a person that wrote their own eulogy over the last 80 years. I say that because as I stand here today, and they do not, and I am charged with the task of speaking for them, I have, in this opportunity very little work involved. I didn't have to fight, and strain to come up with meaningful things to mention to you today. Because this great and precious individual is a person who has been an explosive influence on the world around them. Our lives, through ways grand and subtle have been inextricably altered by the intense force of good that this person was in their time here. This was a person who made other people better. There is more than one of you here today because you were hungry, and he/she fed you when no one else would. There is more than one of you here today because you were lost in life, unable to get anything working right, lonely, tired, broken, and bitter and dead in your sufferings and misery, until one day, our beloved friend here came into your life, loved you first without questioning why one should, accepted you just as you were, and loved you too much to let you stay that way, so the intervention process began that day, and it never stopped. Never.

In fact if some of you were honest, you couldn't think of someone you'd rather be more like, who isn't Jesus. Because the kind of servant, leader, parent, friend, and worker that he/she was exemplified everything that was said about the sort of person a follower of Jesus should be. Now not all of you are a follower of Jesus, but even if you're not, you came to the realization that if followers were anything at all like our friend here, it would feel weird to think of a Christian in a negative light.

Because this person was honest. When push came to shove, when the reputation was in danger, when it cost something, when it made life harder or lonelier, the truth would always be what you would hear. Because of that, you knew that if it was coming from them, it was something reliably believed. You could trust him/her to be the first to tell you if a mistake was made, you never heard it through the grapevine. You could trust that you weren't being fed happy sounding lies to appease your ego, nor would the bad things you heard be blown out of proportion for the sake of being sensational or attention grabbing.

Yet there was this incredible Gentleness about whatever you heard from them. If you needed to hear something that you could never take from anyone else, our friend could tell you, because there was never any judgement, even when you needed correction there was never condemnation. You knew that you were hearing the difficult to hear truth from a person who loves you too much not to tell you about something that is sapping you of your strength and life, not that you were being gloated over and laughed about and looked down upon for the weaknesses or shortcomings you were faced with.

You knew that if you had a problem, that you could tell our friend and know for a fact that you would be listened to without pride or embarrassment getting in the way of honest progress in the deepening and strengthening of the relationship that has to result from humble address of grievances. As such there was really no good way to avoid being vulnerable with our friend, because to hide yourself from the sort of lovingkindness always exuded by the warm smiles and patient understanding that seemed to always be there in who this person was, was widely known to be an extremely foolish and unnecessary thing to do. Because everyone who let their guard down became a better version of who they were destined to be because of that one relationship.

From the example our loved one set, we have a roadmap that can lead us through things that come up against us to try and destroy us. It wasn't always an easy road for our loved one, there were times that there was no earthly reason for anything to get better. Times when all hope had seemed to fade. Times when the storm seemed too perfect. Times when the brave quake in fear, when the strong are powerless, the bright are dumbfounded and the valiant lose heart. But none of that ever happened. You see no matter the weapon formed against him/her, it never really prospered. Sure, there was pain, sure there was challenge, sure, there was reason to doubt and give up trying, but through all of these seemingly impossible circumstances you got to see something.. different. The reaction was never what could be considered normal. You would find, in spite of, in defiance of, the horrors of life that he/she went through that they still had joy. When there was no reason that one should be laughing, there was laughter. When nothing was peaceful, there was peace. Never did self deception and denial plague the shrewd and cunning mind that he/she was blessed with, nor a bitter root grow in the heart. Our friend was too reasonable and sober minded in discerning the facts for that kind of explanation to apply. No, full awareness of self and the world around never left, but where most would crumble, our precious loved one not only stood, but retained a confidence that was unshakeable even when the tears burned like flames down that face we remember so fondly. Even when the wounds became scars. Even when the love was not returned. Even when sorrows were the only meals eaten.

Now, in the sorrow we have today in the passing of our friend and ally, I know one thing that this person would ask of you, and it is our honor and duty to fulfill: in the stillness, humbly find yourself, and never let go of who Jesus says you are. Because a life lived out of the truth about who you really are in Christ is the fulfillment of yourself and of everyone around you for generations to come. Let your identity in Jesus guard you from the sicknesses of the way of this world and be transformed by the renewal of your mind in the peace that passes all understanding and the joy that is strength to stand. Let your life be a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, rich in the abundant life that Jesus was willingly brutalized to provide you with. Live like you understand what it means to be loved by a Savior who literally went through hell just to be with you. Live like the meaningless things that so many people spend their whole lives scratching and clawing after cannot be worth a second of your precious time, because you were bought by the blood of the king to be sons and daughters of another family in a better place. A better country. One where the reality of that world makes the world around us that we see and taste and touch seem like a wisp of smoke by comparison.

Now our friend is there in that better country. More alive now than ever. More free. More peaceful. With that Jesus they couldn't stop talking about. So temper your grief with the truth that while we no longer get the benefit of seeing our friend on a day to day basis, there is the unmistakable and permanent presence of the wisdom and example of love as a legacy that was left with us that will not fade or decay. And know that nothing is really lost here. It's merely that we will have to be patient and wait for the day we get to laugh with him/her again when we go home. "

Or... something like that.

I thought about a burning fire.

this morning im feeling a bit low. there was something that happened last night, something i did, that i now very much so regret. it hurt my wife's feelings, and i see now how i was wrong. so that weighs on me. there was a bit of things that were based in confusion, but if im completely honest, i was using that confusion to forward my own wishes, while the grey existed. i honestly should have known better. i honestly should have not been selfish. and because of this, there may yet be hurt feelings that will carry on into today, which would be completely understandable.

ive been on a path lately.

everyone is, and everyone is on multiple.

you may wonder why i confess to the world, to the great and mighty internetz, that I, William Ehrendreich, was selfish and stupid towards my wife. why, knowing that there are people who might just read these words, would I choose to showcase my weakness, my darkness, my need to change my heart and my ways?

because its humiliating.

no, im not some self deprecating depressive with a low self esteem.

Quite the opposite in fact. I'm rather too impressed with myself all too often.

no im not even trying to get you (my unfortunate but appreciated reader) to think to yourself  "wow, what a humble, brave guy."

thats what my narcissistic tendencies would really love you to think, so please, don't feed that part of me, even if you somehow think that.

You see, like Adam, I am actually kind of a coward. Eve may have taken the first bite,  but she was deceived. Adams silence and foolish cowardice and fear have not been lost throughout the time it took for his sons and daughters to eventually bear the man who writes to you.

so here I sit. a perfect example of a sinner who knows better, and does exactly what he knows will bring more death instead of life.

like the great Dustin Kensrue wrote in the song "blanket of ghosts": 'I've got a feeling that's hard to explain, feels like the Devil rents a room in my brain, the things I'm ashamed of, feel like dear ol St. Paul, things that I want to do I don't do at all."

im no different. I'm still full of the same foolishness that has been plaguing mankind since the beginning.

I'm still a man in need of a savior.

I've been on a path lately. That path, is one i fear to tread. I fear it like you wouldn't believe, because it surely means the death of me. It's the path that leads into being a better man, a better husband, a better father, and a better son. It's the path that burns the ego. It's the path that carries my soul to the place that so many very understandably avoid. But I would be even more wrong not to go there. It's the path that leads me into the view of the Mirror of Holiness. The All Consuming Fire. The Warrior and Righteous Judge. The Savior: Jesus Christ.

He terrifies me. He terrifies me because he looks at the horrid, stupid, simple, selfish, awful dark corners of the heart, the places i don't want to admit exist. but they do. and he sees. he's always known. he knows the evil i keep like hidden treasure. His will, smouldering and seething, burning and bright, is the radically passionate conqueror of the deadly ways in me.

Blindside, one of my favorite bands said it this way:

"It hurts, that drops of fire would fall so precise,
that everything else would lose its meaning,
what a beautiful, what a painful surprise.

there is no peace inside if there's nothing within.
it hurts like coming home, once dried up,
i guess this is what you get when a heart expands.

I thought about fire in the sky,
I thought about fire.
I thought about the love burning in your eye
I thought about fire."

There is the real point.

I thought about fire.

I thought about a loving fire.

My wish, is that I am no longer on the throne of my heart.

As far as my salvation is concerned, that has been sealed for many years, but sanctification is a life long process. I've faced myself before. many times. and with each one it never goes painless. But, by the Grace of a God more loving than i am unloving, more patient than I am impatient, more glorious than I am horrifying, I will face myself again, and again, and again, until the day I go home to be with Him.

To see that face with eyes that burn with that hideous strength.

To see the love that terrifies and brings unfathomable sorrow.

To see the wounds that remain as scars that I have given him.

To see the tears and blood that have dropped to stain my soul clean.

To see with my own eyes the definition of life and perfection in the Universe.

I hope he is Proud of me.

so, forget me, or if you remember me, do so in prayer.

but remember Him. Know that He is a God that accepts you just as you are, but loves you too much to let you stay that way.

Life Essence, still plugging away

Again I am writing, and again it is about life Essence. Things have gotten difficult, but we are undeterred in our quest to bring the game to fruition. We have been doing a lot of thinking about the best way to convey the themes and the metaphors that make this project so compelling, and Anthony has deemed it best to change direction.  As it stood, there were gameplay elements that were going to be included that didn't really fit into the whole point of this whole endeavor, like a combat system,  which while it sounded alright,  had the potential to suck away time and effort from the other more important aspects of the experience we feel are more fitting. We could have shoehorned it in, and it might have been a fun way to spend your time in the world of Trium, but the only way we could have made it compelling enough a system would be to have much more depth of strategy and nuance into it, perhaps even some progression of abilities, and then we would have to inevitably add in more enemies and then play test the daylights out of it to make the enemies  balance with your abilities,  and then rework and refine until we were blue in the face. All for a game completely about finding peace through understanding and acceptance. A game about digging into the things in life that are hard to deal with on an emotional level does not necessitate using weapons of depression destruction. We should not be focused on bringing intesnse combat to the incredibly packed sphere of available titles that already focus on external struggles. 

So we won't.

Instead, we are going to give you an EXPERIENCE.

We are shifting, and the hard work we will put into this will be to tell you who these people in this magical place are.

You will hear their thoughts.

You will step into the shoes of people you start out knowing nothing about, and know them better than most of their dearest friends.

You will see the memories that have brought the once mighty to their knees, the once proud to shame, the once brilliant to stupifaction. You will feel hearts breaking. You will brave the lonely terror of uncertainty and doubt in the thoughts of people you cannot help but develop empathy with, and find the hidden glimmers of hope that they could not in a thousandfold retreading of the darkest corners of their minds,  and you will help them see.

Stay tuned...

Life Essence - Reach the hurting and broken

Hey guys! Please go take a look at this game I've just become a part of making.



(Since I've only become a part of this project yesterday, none of the assets in this video are my work, they are mostly if not all done by Mr James Brady, a good friend, and if you should like to see more of his work, please visit his website or email him terravelo@gmail.com)

This is exactly the sort of project that is near and dear to my heart. It is the journey of someone suffering, someone who is dealing with the weight of existence bearing down upon them, and the hope of flourishing within that affliction. I myself have dealt with depression, and its not weakness, its not laziness, its not what so many would so callously pass off as a flaw in character. It cripples souls, families, livelihoods. It is an all encompassing dungeon, where there is no visible light or path.

But, the light and the path are there.

There is hope. I not only get the great opportunity to be a part of a project in the first place, but I get to be a part of one that I feel is righteous. So many suffering with mental disorders like this feel that they are alone, unwanted, disrespected, meaningless and hopeless. Life Essence will be a game, but also an extended hand reaching out to those who no one will speak for. I gladly speak for them, and so does the rest of the team involved.

A kickstarter campaign is in the works. When it comes up, you will definitely hear from me again, and I appeal to your sense of duty to the goodness in mankind, please spead the word, like the facebook page, do whatever you can to make this game a reality. There are a thousand meaningless shooters, farmville clones, racing titles, cop killing simulators, and "solve the meaningless puzzle so you can go on to solve more meaningless puzzles" games out there.

We have enough.

We don't need any more.

What we do need is for developers with a conscience to come into this Industry full of glitz, and noise, and explosions, and actually SAY something. something good. something worth repeating, and supporting, and believing in. If you believe in it, like I do, become a backer when the kickstarter campaign starts, and tell anyone you know who struggles with lifes challenges to consider supporting as well.

Thank you so much for reading this long post, your time is important. I love and appreciate you all. If ever any one of you needs help in any way, I am completely open, non-judgemental, and you have my solemn promise that I will do everything I can to be the best listener I can possibly be. It's by things like that, that I dare to go around with the name of Jesus on my lips. Because while I don't pretend to understand an infinitely complex and altogether unsearchable mystery that Christ is, I am sure of this: He would have me love you, because He does, and to say you are unlovable would be to tell an infinitely good and intelligent being that He is wrong. Far too many have made that mistake, myself included. I hope to make it far less.

I do want to make clear that I am the one coming from the perspective of a Christian, Life Essence is not a "christian game". I am merely involved with a good thing, and I am involved because of Christ's love for me, and I wish to pass that love on in any way I am useful in doing so. I have no right to speak for the hearts of anyone else involved, other than to say they are genuinely concerned for the hurting. Thank you so much.

 Will

http://www.lifeessencegame.com
https://www.facebook.com/LifeEssenceGame

When times get tough, the tough get blogging.

The tough also may feel like they are being chased by a horrifying Swamp demon crocodile king thingy guy.

So!  My very first blogging experience and the first thing I bring to the eyes of the world is the very personification of the ugly crappy circumstances I am privileged to have found myself in.
Our creature here is the Swamp King, the main baddie for a game called Mondo Voodoo by Gallow Games, out soon (I hope) on all products Apple enough and new enough to handle the badass juju.  He is among the first of my models made for a freelance client, and I had a blast working on him. He was done quite a while ago, but since I'm testing out the blogger app for my phone, and I don't happen to have much of my newer work on it, so I thought the adorable hellion needed some attention from all you out in internetland.

 

So, to my estimation, blogging about art is also blogging about the artist's journey as well.

Mine has been a rocky one.

I fancy myself a character artist. This is inherently a bit more complicated than your average lamp post, or Boulder, or general environmental art. Now, there is not a bit of me that looks down on environment artists, they do what they do very well and are expected to push out much more content in shorter time, while taking into account level flow, occlusion culling, etc.  But I just feel like the characters are so heavily scrutinized, we have so much predisposition to how a character should look, because we see people all the time. Something slightly off, and you dive headlong into the uncanny valley. 

Much like life sometimes.

See, there are so many little details and big questions and honest mistakes of the slightest unbalanced focus in one part of our goals or priorities, that it seems incredible that anyone does life even half right once in a while.

 

But I chose harder.

I chose being an artist. An artist who tries to recreate people, the most complicated of beings. Those beings have to be believable, and run in real time, 60 frames a second, while talking, crying, running, jumping, giggling and performing the super mega ultra mega power kick of doom,  all while playing nice with the AI, sound, environmental assets, and physics.

Almost like being married to a wife with health issues that require me home to take care of her and our six month old baby girl, no car, unemployed, denied unemployment benefits, no portfolio, no bank account due to a failed company that promised a primrose path full of lollipops, rainbows, kittens, and glory, with a free trip to St Louis for HeroEngine training tossed in for good measure. All right, so there were no rainbows, lollipops, or glory. But there desperate times, and there hasn't been too much of a let up since. Add to that over 100k in school debt (Horay Brown College, thanks for the BS degree in Game Design. Its helped bucketfuls, like your promises of being great at placing people into fantastic companies after they graduate. I DEFINATELY couldn't have learned 90% of the information I was taught off of YouTube for free instead. )

Ok, perhaps I'm getting a little too negative, because I did actually learn a lot from all of this. 

Some of what was learned through all of this was lessons that were meant to be taught to me, some lessons that were gained from hardship and struggle, some from breaking down too many times, but I am a much better person, and artist for it.

Because even though there is so very much that seems entirely hopeless right now I have a few things that are entirely amazing going on in life. 

One is the knowledge that God is more faithful than my circumstances would lead me to believe. Afterall, I'm here writing this blog, so I got through somehow, and looking back, I cannot tell you how many times provision and love has come from literally no where. Some of those times I think Jesus was just showing off. "HAHA, and you thought you were drowning, here's a magical check for 400 bucks from a place you didn't know of wanting to just give you it for no particular reason" or " Guess how much I love you? Here's your long lost Mentor suddenly appearing back in your life after a long hiatus to buy you, your wife, and your daughter all who he adores a couch that you desperately needed, ON TOP of being a fantastic friend in your time of despairing." or my two favorites so far "You know that longing for the love of your life you've had aching in your very bones for your whole life? Yeah, Well you know how you never thought you were going to find here in the middle of Craptown USA? HERE YA GO. AMAZING PERSON COMING RIGHT UP! Even her flaws are going to make you a better person." and " Remember that Incredible person I gave you to marry? Yeah, Shes gonna carry this little redheaded miracle inside her for a while, then you are going to have the second most important person in your world to share the joy of life with."

The Lord is a crazy person, I have no doubts about that, but the good kind of crazy person, who is always up to some sort of mischievous goodness, but you're not usually sure whats going on until he lets you in on it some time later, and then you're all grateful even for the things you originally thought were just challenging.

I have a lot to be grateful for, because the good news is, that even when life looks like our friend up there, all mangled, scary, and gross, I've caught on to the trick that God plays on that monster. God turns the destruction and heartache and scars into weapons, armor, and insight into his love. 

Basically, things look horrible right now, and while there are times of scared, my Dad is bigger than this. 

So I'm going to keep on doing whats written on my bones, and courses through my veins. What I believe Papa (I love calling Him that) wants me doing. 

Art. 

Art about people.

Art of people. 

Art that just might show someone someday, that there is hope in the chaos. 

Art that shows the light hasn't gone out, you just can't see it.